el travesti
there's a boy with bleached blonde hair sitting in front of me. not like, directly in front of me - he's some ways away in this general cafeteria area at my community college. he looks interesting.
i'm taking two classes this semester because i dropped my stats class since i learned i have dyscalculia-- i told my mother i was dropping it since i didn't have to take it (i just have to take a general math class) and she said "oh. yeah. i probably should've told you you had dyscalculia." like, what the fuck? i feel like, in some way shape or form, the entire world is against me. somehow, every little thing has been stacked up for me to fail. my transness, my femininity, my womanhood, my height, my weight, everything. it's so annoying knowing sometimes that i have to prove myself twice over to be seen as serious and i know this is like a very 'wow white girl discovers what it's like to be a minority' moment but like, jesus christ it sucks.
i heard from a friend who speaks spanish that in certain parts of latin america and spain, they call trans women 'el travesti,' which is interesting to me - it shows that they do see us as women but not just as women. maybe that's insanely woke, but also it's probably not, knowing how catholic those regions are.
truthfully, i didn't really transition because i wanted to be a girl - like, don't get me wrong, i love being a girl and i love womanhood and everything about it but, like, i transitioned because i hated being a boy and that was the only other option. i don't really feel connected to any sort of one gender. gender doesn't feel that real to me, it's more of an abstract concept forced upon us by european patriarchy and misogynistic ideas stemming from the medieval ages that've evolved over time to become transphobic, homophobic, racist, etcetera, etcetera. i don't know if we're allowed to say that out loud, though.
i'm not nonbinary though. i know that. i hate being called they.
also, i picked up jacqueline harpman's novel i who have never known men in additions to my reading imogen binnie's nevada. both books are really good and interesting, albeit in different ways - but i keep forgetting to take them with me to places when i want to read the most. it's kinda shitty. not kinda. really fucking shitty.