i still love you
dear friends,
i am still in love with him
he didn't do anything wrong - and we didn't break up because of anything going wrong in the relationship (rather, it was his parents hand at play, from what he insists). it has made me ... hesitant to abandon all love i had for him.
i don't think i ever will abandon the love i had for him. he was my first - and possibly last (but hopefully not) - boyfriend. he means a lot to me now. he's more than a friend, but less than a lover or brother. somewhere in-between these two truths is where he lies, nestled cozily in a white t-shirt and some thrifted jeans.
my friend ray and i went to the store he worked at today, in our local mall. the largest shopping center in michigan is proudly displayed around the mall. we didn't talk much, him and i, i was focused on entertaining ray as a way to not crumble under the pressure of telling him how much i missed him while he was at work.
i texted him later, apologizing for stopping by.
it's okay, he said,
stop by anytime.
the car ride home was silent. i told ray that since he'd confessed something to me earlier that day, i would tell him something: i'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. no. maybe i'm not in love - maybe i just care so deeply about him it feels like love. but that wouldn't explain the pressure weighing down on my shoulders, hunching me over whenever i'm around him. deep down, i still want to impress him - make him proud, somehow.
dear ex-boyfriend - if you're reading this, i hope you know i still love you, and i miss you. i miss being around you. and i'm proud of you, and i hope you're proud of me too. i'm doing better now.
i'm doing better.
i hope you know that.
with love,
erin