men suck at conversations
my grandfather and i sit next to the edge of the woods at his house, exchanging a few awkward words about college and his eightieth birthday celebration. it's nice out, a little humid, but the sun isn't interrupted by bulbous white clouds floating aimlessly. later, it'll cool down, at about seven or eight to an agreeable seventy degrees. he asks me what classes i'll be taking, and i inform him that most of my classes, at least this semester, will be online, save for math and biology, as i was never good with following exact rules. it'll be easier for me to take them in person, i explain, we retain more information when we learn in person, rather than online. he seems to agree with me. he doesn't ask me anything else.
grandpa is not a philosophical or literary man, he is precise and scientific - there is no grey area with him, either good or bad. additionally, he is stone-ish, he does not show much emotion, and when he does, it is not around me. he's stoic, to say it bluntly. on the contrary, his daughter (my mother) and i are very emotional, we get loud about topics we care about -- earlier, my mom and uncle david were practically shouting over each other about sustainability and how fucked public education is right now. and trump, always trump.
i don't mind his apathetic-ness around me, in truth, my grandfather and i have very little in common. he seems to prefer my cousins- his son's kids, over me. i suppose i understand why, they were around more than i was growing up, and they're more hands-on, let's-get-down-and-dirty with it than i am. they don't think about deeper meanings in texts, at least, not to my knowledge. i don't really talk to them.
truthfully, it does hurt, this apathetic, uninterested mindset he has around me. i wonder if it's because i transitioned at thirteen - but he's gotten better about not mentioning it, not to me. i want that connection with my family, especially my grandparents. the last two surviving grandparents i have. i do like to think i'm a good conversationalist, but, sometimes i feel like i'm lacking when it comes to my grandparents.
grandma and i seem to speak the same language, she knows how to sew, she likes clothes and music, she used to weave alpaca fur together, making thick, winter socks to sell at craft shows and fairs in the fall and winter. my mother is (admittedly) less artsy, but she still reads and shares common interests with me - in fact, she asks me about my interests sometimes, when we talk. i'm trying to be better with doing that to her. today, for example, i asked her what she does for her job - and she explained it to me - she sells software that defense companies use to build their defense machines. it was hard for me to understand at first (mostly because she uses long, drawn out explanations to explain what she does, and i prefer simple, straight to the point explanations), but i asked questions when i got confused, and she seemed to appreciate that.
i also have the same issue with my dad. he doesn't seem all that interested in my interests or hobbies, even when i ask him about his. he's like my grandpa, scientific, black and white, and stoic. are all men like this? this pattern of being self-interested seems to be a common theme amongst men i know, most of them (not all, though) refuse (or maybe forget is a better term) to ask how i am. conversations often go like this:
me: hi! how are you?
male friend: i'm good
me: thats good! what'd you do today?
male friend: i went to the store and got groceries
me: nice. what'd you get?
male friend: spaghetti, pop-tarts, fruit.
(this continues for a long while)
me: okay, well, it was nice talking to you. lets catch up soon, yeah?
male friend: nods
perhaps social media has made us terrible conversationalists? this is true too, however, my theory is that we live in a misogynistic society (america) where it's okay, normalized, even, to return basic decency to women and femmes. and what's sadder, too, is that we, the women and femmes, don't realize that this is happening to us - we've been taught that it's okay to have our experiences ignored, no matter if it's our daily activities or workplace harassment or even being sexually assaulted.
or maybe i'm just that one friend who's too woke.
there's no easy way to solve this. honestly, i don't know if there's even a way to solve this epidemic of bad conversationalists men have. in the olden days, they used to teach women practical daily skills: etiquette, conversational skills, housekeeping, hosting, etc., and yes, while this was rooted in misogyny and meant that women had to do the heavy lifting in relationships, these are valuable skills to have. a part of me wonders if we can somehow bring how-to-have-conversations-without-sounding-like-you-don't-care-about-the-other-person classes back. however, deep down, in my heart of hearts, i know that men are a gender too divided to even begin to care about that.
ps: i'm not a big fan of cake anymore. i realized that cake is kind of mid, especially if it's vanilla. which is odd. i really like vanilla ice cream.